I feel so unstable. And lost. Even though I have a project - planning a ridiculously ambitious adventure - and things to do, I'm just floating. I allowed myself a week to laze about in my post-travel daze, moping about in sweatpants and hoodies and playing an embarrassing amount of Scrabble. Then, motivation! You emerged from the depths. But I gravitate back and forth between feeling good about moving forward and still feeling lost, knowing that I'm moving forward with something that I'm doing because I don't know what else I should be doing. But I want to do this. I want to hike from Northland to Auckland. And maybe beyond. Maybe it's the maybe part. And of course there's all these logistics. Maybe I don't really want to go by myself. I'm craving a home and sense of community so why am I doing the complete opposite? It's absurd. I must be totally mental. I know I'm having trouble committing to staying in one place but this is taking it to the extreme. Is my subconscious saying that at least I won't have a chance to build lasting relationships because I'll be constantly on the move? I thought I was doing this trip to clear my mind and help me figure out what I want in life but instead it's starting to seem more like avoiding what I actually do want in life.

I've always stood by my choices and lifestyle; I just do what makes me happy until I feel like doing something else. But now I don't know what that something else is. I don't know what I feel passionate enough about to make a decision. I'm tired of saying goodbye to people all the time. Especially some people. I don't know what to do next. All summer I didn't know what I was going to do next, and it was a tough summer. Am I actually unhappy? How did I get to this point? And more importantly, how do I get away from it?

Back in Auckland. Feels strange as it always does when I come back from being away a while. Don't feel like I really want to be here, but I think it's more a case of not being certain about my next move. I think I'm going on a very long hike. Which might be far too ambitious for me, but how will I know if I don't try? Besides, I need some time to gather my thoughts and I hope that some time on the train will help clear my mind so I can figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm pretty sure I'll still have no idea by the time I'm done hiking but it's nice to dream.

somewhere in between

river running
sticky grass
blueberries by the pond
swimming under the stars
playing with children
guitar chords
consignment shops
capture the flag
magazine cutouts
silly costumes
butterscotch pudding cups
slacklining

a balancing act

sunset across the lake after a long walk where I watched a heron and some ducks and nearly lost a mitten

sitting in a swing watching the glow
pomegranate amber beams
a glimpse of their stretching arms
out from the hills
fading and drifting
beyond the mountains
cloud encapsulated

Is it really July? What have I been doing this year? Going on adventures, seeing new places. And just living, I guess. Not everything has to be an adventure. Not that I believe that.

Under where?

So, I needed to find the most environmentally friendly new underwear option. I did a little searching. And not enough researching, apparently. I bought some bamboo underwear that I thought were made in New Zealand (even though I knew that the bamboo came from China). I only discovered this when I received them in the mail, in plastic packaging, in a plastic courier bag. I am not convinced about their being environmentally responsible. This is why I am always so dubious about "green" businesses. A business is a business. Anyway, the underwear was made in China.
However, I have found another option. (Aside from Thunderpants and Fanny Adams - both made in NZ. The latter of which I have had no intimate experience with and the former I would probably be psyched about - as opposed to just regular old happy with - if it had been correctly labelled). This is totally awesome: underwear made from fabric off-cuts that would otherwise be destined for the landfill. The new website is still to be launched but the old site gives you an idea. I sent an email and got a lovely, fast, and helpful reply from Caroline. And she doesn't use plastic bags. She is based in Wellington and you can buy her lovely underwear from a shop in Wellington which I believe is called Goodscore/Good Score. Not sure if it's one or two words. The only thing is that she said the demand for her underwear exceeds her supply of off-cuts so she does actually buy some fabric which I thought defeated the point somewhat but she said she was happy to send me underwear made completely from off-cuts. Anyway, what a great concept and I totally applaud it. Even before receiving the underwear.

It's actually pretty hard if you want to find really nice (*cough* sexy *cough*) underwear (or bras, I didn't see ANY). Although, Icebreaker does offer a thong "made from the finest, softest, most luxurious merino in the world".

But what about my no-new-clothes-for-a-year rule, you may ask? Well, I never actually considered underwear when I made the rule, I was really just thinking about regular clothes since I own so many yet still like to buy them, and when someone asked I just said that I suppose I would only buy new underwear (or socks) to replace old ones when it was time to throw them away. But it's not like I buy underwear to make a fashion statement, so I don't feel like it's cheating if I buy some extra underwear because that's not why I made the rule. It was because I had too many clothes. After November (when the year is up) any clothes purchases (that aren't socks or underwear) will have to be second hand.

In other enviro news, I am trying to figure out how to drastically reduce the amount of plastic I throw away. Big project.

crosswords, tea, and knitting on one's knee
a book about kayaking a frozen sea
a pile of egg cartons for recycling
(re-use, actually)
a jigsaw
puzzle of a picture we can't see

story of my life
being a puzzle, I mean