I feel so unstable. And lost. Even though I have a project - planning a ridiculously ambitious adventure - and things to do, I'm just floating. I allowed myself a week to laze about in my post-travel daze, moping about in sweatpants and hoodies and playing an embarrassing amount of Scrabble. Then, motivation! You emerged from the depths. But I gravitate back and forth between feeling good about moving forward and still feeling lost, knowing that I'm moving forward with something that I'm doing because I don't know what else I should be doing. But I want to do this. I want to hike from Northland to Auckland. And maybe beyond. Maybe it's the maybe part. And of course there's all these logistics. Maybe I don't really want to go by myself. I'm craving a home and sense of community so why am I doing the complete opposite? It's absurd. I must be totally mental. I know I'm having trouble committing to staying in one place but this is taking it to the extreme. Is my subconscious saying that at least I won't have a chance to build lasting relationships because I'll be constantly on the move? I thought I was doing this trip to clear my mind and help me figure out what I want in life but instead it's starting to seem more like avoiding what I actually do want in life.

I've always stood by my choices and lifestyle; I just do what makes me happy until I feel like doing something else. But now I don't know what that something else is. I don't know what I feel passionate enough about to make a decision. I'm tired of saying goodbye to people all the time. Especially some people. I don't know what to do next. All summer I didn't know what I was going to do next, and it was a tough summer. Am I actually unhappy? How did I get to this point? And more importantly, how do I get away from it?